Dear Kristy

Dear Kristy,

I am not really sure how to begin this letter. It has been six years since I last saw you and even then I know I lost you way before. I have been thinking a lot recently about what happened between us and the more I try to remember what happened the more confused I get. And then I get mad. Then sad. Then angry again. Why did I treat you the way I did and why did I every think you were ruining me. Perhaps it was just teenage angst. I do remember having a lot of that.

Like when we went to that record shop just off West Ave to see if they had the new Dead Stars album. Man how I loved that band. Always so dramatic naming themselves the 'Dead Stars' to market themselves as the band society told were too old to be successful. The lead was only twenty seven! Jason Bradley. Dark black hair that swooped across his forehead and cascaded down his shoulders. I thought it was so cool that he had long hair and wore makeup- the fact he was in a destined to fail band was just a bonus to make myself feel more unique. How pissed I was they didn't have his album for the third day that week. I even asked the cashier when when they would have it stocked but she was so unamusingly unhelpful I might as well have been talking to the sign outside. Did she deserve having her cassettes knocked off the counter? Probably not, but it did feel good to leave a lasting impression. Then on the way home you had the genius idea to get some ice cream to eat while we watched their Generation Music interview (salted caramel with chocolate flakes) which is how we ended up learning about their next tour.

You always knew how to make the best of a situation. Without you I likely would have spent the rest of the day sulking and doodling in my notebook. God I miss the way you would always look on the bright side of life. Maybe that's the real reason for all of this. To admit that I miss you. That I was wrong for letting you leave and never reaching out. To finally try and apologise. But the truth is I don't even know how.

When I was getting picked on by those older kids at the park for ever suggesting I wanted a go on the swings it was you who stood up to them. You told those fourteen year olds that they should know better than yelling at a child for wanting to play on a park, the very purpose such parks were created. The irony of an eight year old cussing out teenagers on how to be mature. I wish I had you to keep protecting my honour in situations when my body froze up however the truth is I did. You were always there defending me the only difference is I began to doubt it. Doubt that you ever really cared about my own interests at all. Doubting you were seeing what you saw. Doubting that you heard what you really heard. Believing there came a point when you shifted from sticking up for me to casting everyone away from me. Wanting me all to yourself so I could never have anyone else. Destined to be alone forever. Because of you.

Pathetic. Isn't it. That I ever thought you were the one hiding me away. Controlling me. Stopping me from growing and evolving when really all you were doing was keeping me safe. I am sorry. For that night. When you warned me I was going down a dangerous road. That what I believed was being twisted and manipulated by those around me but at that point I was already too far gone. I walked that yellow brick road hand in hand with the wizard. I wish I could blame the alcohol for not thinking clearly but we both know that wasn't the case. Yes my mind was clouded but it wasn't from the drink, it was something else. Something else that made me feel free and gave me the illusion I could do anything while simultaneously poisoning me from the inside. And yet I continued to want more, craved it like oxygen. An addict.

I am in recovery now.

Currently three weeks sober.

Everyday is a battle.

I want to go back to the way it was daily and I fight every second not to go back. Not to ruin my streak yet I fear one day I will. And I know I will not be strong enough to leave again.

So why am I writing this to you? I am still not entirely sure. For a congratulations on finally leaving him? For some kind of celebration that proves leaving was the right thing to do. I don't know. I can't ask that of you after you warned me at the start of it all that this is how things would end and yet I continued to see him. I convinced myself that it was love and that he was all I needed and in the process broke down every part of myself. I have never felt so lost and afraid and yet this is supposed to be the most liberating I feel. That's what they talk about in the books and in films. That the moment you leave a toxic relationship a weight is lifted and you can finally start living again but all I feel is darkness and regret.

I have no one. All the friends I once thought I had left or more accurately were pushed away and I don't know how to get them back. Or even if I want to. Truth be told they all told me the relationship we had was great and normal and that we were 'goals' they wish their relationship looked like. I'm not sure if I should be angry at them for fuelling the fire of my delusion or sad that they thought what we had was normal. That his protectiveness was hot. That my quietness was obedience and not fear. I don't want any of that back. All I want, is you.

But I know I never can. Having you forgive me for shutting you out is like watching pigs fly. Having you return is like waiting for rain in a drout. Not statistically impossible but highly unlikely. Even if you were to return it wouldn't be the same. We have both changed. Our relationship tattered in a way I am not sure can ever be rebuilt the way it was. But then is that a good thing? I don't want to be sixteen again. I was young and dumb and naive. If things went back to the way they were before I worry that I will find myself in another situation having learned nothing and never being able to escape. I have a chance now to start fresh. Learn from where I went wrong and rebuild myself. I just pray that learning covers how not to go back. How not to run back into the arms of knowing. Because it is safe. Because it is how I have lived for seven years. Because now I am aware of our situation I can't get taken advantage of again, right? Or maybe it would just be easier to allow it. Knowing that the alternative is endless unknown darkness.

And then I think of you again. How I long for you. For ice cream and TV. For giggling and swings. For reading magazines and filling in quizzes. For staying up late and learning to dance and making art and having fun. I want to be that again. I just have to learn how. And in apology for losing you- I vow to learn. To learn how to be happy, with me. Just me.

Lovingly,

Kristy <3

I step back and watch at the fire catches hold of the paper. Enveloping the cover in a heated hug before folding in on itself in a swirl of flame. Flickers of red and yellow and orange dancing across the parchment lifting the words on the paper into the air and through the sky in a cloud of black. The black ink spilling across the stone ground, transforming into ash and smoke. The last of the letter curls in on itself before crumbling to the ground.